// Metroid//

This is a bit of a different post then I would normally do. But hey, Its my tumblr account I can do what I want with it. I’m going to be looking at the Actions of Samus Aran to try and figure out who she actually is.

For those who don’t know, Metroid is one of my favorite game franchises of all time. The Lonely bounty hunter, Samus and her never ending quest to rid the galaxy of the Space Pirates and the parasitic creatures, the Metroids. 

Samus was only a child when her parents where killed in a space pirate raid. Her father sacrificed himself to stop the pirates and her mother threw her life away to save Samus. She was later adopted by a tall, ancient Bird like race known as the Chozo. They infused her with their DNA and trained her to be a Warrior and even designed Chozo armor that could fit her body. The Chozo where eventually killed by the Space Pirates and betrayed by their Super Computer known as Mother Brain.

Samus eventually decided to join the Galactic federation but left for unknown reasons to become a Solo Bounty hunter. She then took a mission to stop the space Pirates and Mother Brain on Zebes. She was successful. Many missions later She would have to destroy every last metroid in existence. Though, when push came to shove, their was one last metroid that saw her as its mother(It was a newborn, but why it saw her as its mother is unknown to this day.). Samus decides to take it with her and hands it over to a group of scientist in order for them to study it.

The Research facility that was holding the baby metroid was destroyed by the Pirate known as Ridley(The same pirate that killed her mother), who also stole the metroid before attacking Samus. Samus escapes and heads to Zebes to finish the job she started. She finds Ridley and kills him as well as Mother brain. After almost dying to Mother Brain, the Baby metroid Sacrifices itself to save Samus. Samus destroies Mother Brain and Escapes the planet before it explodes.

Although most people know her story, I figured it would be good to do a quick recap of the story up till Other M and Fusion. Why? Because what her history shows us is a pattern. You notice it yet? Samus is often the soul survivor of multiple tragic events. She was orphaned and adopted by the Chozo only to survive the destruction of Chozo race. Then she survived Mother brain only because of the baby metroid sacrificing itself to save her.

So what does this have to do with who she is? Well to put it bluntly, Samus isn’t afraid of death up until her last fight with Mother Brain. She puts herself in extremely hostile, dangerous situation in a high risk profession. In short, from what I can gather, Samus, is putting herself through this, not just for revenge but because she has Survivor’s Guilt.

As shown in the beginning of Other M, Samus seems to be asking herself “Why am I still alive.” She doesn’t sound grateful or even happy about the situation. She sounds annoyed. This suggest that Samus was ready to die. The Metroid then drops her and is promptly Killed. Another creature that cared for her dying before her eyes so she could continue to live. In her rage she murders Mother Brain and proceeds to escape. Traumatized by the death of everyone who comes close to her.

Right away we see Samus willing to submit to the will of the character Adam in other M. She seems willing to serve him, seeming to hang onto something that she had lost a long time ago. A desire to retake an aspect of her past. Yet her Suicidal tendency remains even in the presents of Adam. She even goes so far as to burning herself to death in refusal to use the Varia suit until Adam tells her to. Was this poor design? or a Story telling mechanic. It is shown later that She could use her abilities at any time, and even activates them without permission when she has a clear goal besides just “Find something for me.”. 

Throughout Metroid Other M and Metroid Fusion, Samus seems to hold Adam on a pedestal even going so far as to say that she liked it when Adam called her Lady. But I don’t think that she actually liked it at the time. From how she looks in the Cut scenes in Other M the look on her face suggests that she HATED being refereed to as lady and hated being picked out among the rest of the group for being the only girl(At least this is what I gathered from it.). What is more likely to me is Samus has a strong sense of nostalgia for the past. At times, even things we hated when we where younger many of us look back on with fondness. I believe this is what Samus is doing in these 2 games.

This isn’t to say Samus isn’t fond of Adam. This is just pointing out that Adam was teasing her and might not have been as good of a person as Samus wants us to believe. It is very possible that Samus left the Galactic federation because of Adam for one reason or another. Perhaps it was because he was cold, or perhaps it was because Samus tried to complete a mission that would have gotten her killed and he pulled her out at the cost of the lives of many other people. We can’t know for sure because it hasn’t been revealed. but given her actions this is all too likely.

Now lets go over the part of other M that Pisses most people off more than anything else. With out this part I am willing to guess that Other M would have been praised more then hated. The Moment when Samus sees a fully developed Ridley clone for the first time. Samus freaks out and begins to lose focus and her armor begins to fade. Many people don’t see this as making sense in the contest of Samus thus far. But lets recap on Samus’s mental state in Other M up until this point. 

If we look at Adam as a part of Samus’s past that she wants to recapture, we can look at Ridley as a part of her past she wants to stay buried. Ridley Represents everything that has been taken away from Samus. Her families, her homes, her Safety. Samus thought that she put him down for good. She thought she could move on from that aspect of her past. The desire for revenge and move on. But he shows up again, and continues to taunt her. She thought he was gone for good. Only to realize that all her old nightmares where back and everything that she fought for was for nothing. Samus may have been feeling hopeless, not because she didn’t think she could beat him again, but she may have thought that it didn’t matter if she did because no matter how many times she kills them they always come back.

This stunning realization on her part, even if it was false, would cause the reaction we saw. All her life’s work undone before her eyes. The nightmare she fought to conquer all her life. And for a moment she believed it was finally over only to have the rug pulled out from under her feet.

Go a Bit further in the game and we get to see Adam sacrifice himself for Samus. Yet another person Samus cared about being killed so she could live. And she still insisted on sacrificing herself in his place. Again Samus survives and goes back to retrieve Adam’s Helmet right before the Space station was to be destroyed. Why did she go back that late? Probably because she still has this desire to die. And We will see this is still true in Metroid Fusion when she has the option to escape with her life and needs to be talked into preserving her life.

Now I’m not saying that Other M’s Story was done well. Far from it. And I’m not going to say that your opinion of the game is wrong. If you didn’t enjoy it you didn’t enjoy it. I will say to look beyond what was presented to see that her character wasn’t done as poorly as we may think it was. If the writers had executed the story properly while actually SHOWING us the effects that all those years of being a bounty hunter and losing everything has done to her than Other M could have been the greatest installment in the Metroid Series since Super Metroid. But this isn’t the case, and Nintendo has never been very good at telling a story as deep as the Metroid story.

Samus isn’t just a Bounty hunter. But a character with a lot of pain. She has lost a lot and it shows through her years. Where as many bounty hunters are depicted as being rather heartless or cold, Samus shows a bit of warmth as well as an overall anger. She puts her self in life threatening situations with no concern for her well being. Even Going so far as to remove her own tactical power ups to possibly increase her challenge and chance of failure. Samus is far more complex of a character then most people realize.

Although I know that Metroid might not Come back for a long time because of the poor sales of Other M. But I hope it does. And I hope we get to learn more about Samus and maybe put my theory about her to the test in later games. Perhaps we will explore who she is in a different way rather then her telling us directly. But until then…

// Transphobia//

It has come to my attention that Roseanne Barr Is speaking out against Transpeople. Primarily transwomen. Now I am not mad at her mainly because I am not surprised by this sort of thing. In our popular culture transsexuals are usually presented in a negative light. Which is far from the truth of who we actually are. Many people see transsexuals as someone who fetishises the idea of being the opposite sex. Or Autogynephilic. While some people are like this, this isn’t the same as a transwoman. While a autophynephile gets off on the idea, a transwoman suffers from a condition where their mind doesn’t match the body they are in. This causes dysphoria in the subject and can and will affect every aspect of their life.

This condition is exacerbated by a society that sees them as something perverted or less than human. Many of a transperson’s first experience with seeing another transperson, or interpretation, is that of a drag queen or by someone who has little to no understanding of the condition. Many of them get into drugs and alcohol because they have no idea where to turn to for help and often can’t find anyone who will symphysis with them. 50% of all transsexuals attempt suicide and out of them it is estimated that a good 31% of them are successful. This is the highest suicide rate of a minority group in the country. If this was happening to any other group of people it would be considered an epidemic. But because of the lack of respect for the condition, it often goes unnoticed.

This is not okay. People, regardless of race, color, gender or sexuality shouldn’t be afraid to be who they are.  When I first realized who I was, I cried. I cried because I thought my life was over. I thought no one would understand me. That I would be alone. I thought I was a pervert who didn’t deserve to be alive. I wanted to take my own life. I didn’t want to believe it to be true. I looked for a way out and tried to understand why I was the way I was. I got extremely close quite a few times to just ending my life. I hated my body so much. I had always hated it. And it didn’t get any easier living in it as time passed. But every time I went to try and finish myself I always remembered my family. I couldn’t put them through that. Eventually, I told my mother about it. The backlash that I got from her broke my heart. And the idea of suicide became even more tempting. If I didn’t end up making the friends I did, I wouldn’t be here today. I would be dead. Just another statistic added to the pile of transsexual who would have committed suicide before me.

Roseanne Barr had said “Transgender Folks should have their own safe bathrooms-they should not be FORCED into bathrooms with young girls who hate them there.” Now I understand she is trying to seek a solution for both parties to prevent conflict. However this sort of thing doesn’t quite work. In our own American history we have tried something like this. Should transsexuals also have their own seats on the bus to prevent those who are phobic from getting upset? Perhaps we should label drinking fountains with “Normal People” and “Transgender”. My point is that this doesn’t solve problems but rather creates more problems and makes it easier to identify these transsexuals. Which puts them in more danger than they would have been in before.

Look, Roseanne Barr. I understand you are concerned about the well being of the girls. But you have to look past yourself and see that others are suffering as well. It is much easier to attack the weaker group of people and try to demonise them. It is much harder to put away your differences and try to help your fellow human. Before judging who we are and making assumptions about us, why not do the research and talk with us with an open mind and a open heart. I don’t expect you to read this or even reply. But if at least one person reads this and changes their mind about transsexuals and decides to be more tolerant of our plight, I will consider that a success.

// My own brand of Crazy//

So I haven’t posted in awhile. It isn’t because I don’t love you. I do. That last post was just so draining on me that I needed a break. And after I couldn’t think of anything to post. It was just so serious that I couldn’t bring myself to post anything enlightening or serious for a while.

What does this have to do with Crazy? Well, the last post is something that I would say is a bit crazy in a way. It is something I debated on posting for over a month. It was something that meant a lot to me and needed to be said.

That said, I will continue to post new things now and then. But I think I’ll stay of stuff like that…

Here is a list of topics I plan on covering in the future:

Our perception of Good And Evil

My Religions beliefs

More transgender related issues

More on humanity’s capacity for good

Writing philosophies about Protagonists and Antagonists

Thank you for read, I look forward to providing new material for all of you to enjoy.

// Endless Night of Terror//

This post is going to be a difficult one to make. This is something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. Something that I haven’t gotten over. Something that has plagued me since I was a child and even torments me today. Some horrors I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Some horrors I wouldn’t wish on them because I’ve experienced them myself. I’m talking about the very real psychological torture of Night terrors.

Over the years I have expressed on and off the horrors I had to face at night. Asking some of my closest friends and family for help with the problem. Although I didn’t know what a night terror was back then, and even when I found out It didn’t seem like it was the same thing. Each time I talked about it though it was brushed aside as being “just a nightmare”. They even would go so far as to say “Maybe your dreams are trying to teach you something and you should learn from them.”. This wasn’t a helpful answer as I saw no way I could learn from something so horrific.

A part of me believes I’m crazy for even posting about this. A part of me doesn’t want to post it because of what it suggests. The dreams I have had have caused me more mental trauma then all the abuse I have suffered from my parents combined. Are the dreams related to the abuse? Perhaps. But that doesn’t change how much of a impact they have had on my mind.

Well lets get started then.

Dreams are more powerful then people seem to realize. People often believe that you can’t experience death in a dream. That you always wake up before it happens. Many also believe that any pain you experience in a dream is something that is happening to you in real time. While I know both of those to be false. I don’t mean to scare any one. You can die in your dream with out dying in the real world. You can experience pain in a dream with out something happening to you in the real world. As they said in the Matrix “Your mind makes it real.”.

So lets start with the easier of the two to understand. Pain. If you take the concept that our mind remembers all the pain we have experienced in our lives then it isn’t a stretch to say that your mind can simulate pain in your dream. This would also be true for other things such as taste, smell, pleasure, hearing. And I’m sure a few of you have had dreams where you where having sex or eating a ice cream and can even recall the feeling or taste. This concept is no different. Just on a less pleasant alternative.

The Next concept is death. Many people never reach this point in their dream because they always wake up. A lot of people believe that if you die in your dream that you die in real life. That isn’t the case and only a myth. Death can be experienced. Lets take the same concept as pain. If you have come close to death then your mind could remember what it is like. This way it could be simulated in your dreams.

The reason I am posting this topic is because I need to explain something. I need people to hear me and to understand the impact of what it can do to someone’s mind. I am going to post one of my dreams. In as much detail as I can remember.

WARNING: The Fallowing content is extremely graphic. Those with week constitution shouldn’t read the fallowing story.

I don’t remember how I got there. After years of battling in my mind against countless nights of horror they all begin to blur together. My eyes slowly began to focus in on what was going on around me. The look of a dark figure loomed over a pit with burning embers.

I attempted to walk forward but found myself restrained by the arms with chains. Once I looked at my cuffs I saw them become a bright orange color, burning my wrists. The Sting was intense, causing me to close my fists. I tried not to move as much because the cuffs would continue to burn. I looked at them a few times, seeing my charred flesh. The burning sensation eventually went away, but I could no longer feel anything from my wrists. And my hands had gone numb.

A short time later the dark figure turned around to look at me. Smiling a large white toothy smile. My mind saw him as a demon. And he didn’t attempt to disprove my thoughts. My heart began to race as he stoked the flames of the pit. He turned enough to talk with me. I asked the demon “What do you want from me?” a question I often asked.

“For you to give up hope.” It responded. His words made my heart skip a beat, feeling absolute dread. I had a feeling where this was heading. I looked around, taking in more of my surroundings. The Deep red color of the stone walls with the soft orange coming from the pit expressed the intent of the demon all too well.

It walked over to me with a branding Iron. He towered over me, his face always in shadow. He pressed the Iron against my flash, burning the skin of my stomach. I screamed from the burn before the flesh went numb. “L-let me go.” I commanded, shivering from the first touch.

It shook its head before digging its claws into my ribs. “You need to give up hope.” it said to me, while cringed from the feeling of my flesh being pierced. It slowly brought its fingers forward, stripping the flesh from my ribs. The warm blood rushed down my side, each breath I took was agonizing. I Began to breath slower, trying to prevent more of the pain. But with how quick my heart was racing, this wasn’t easy to do.

My torture wasn’t over. It had only started. He pulled out a sickle from behind is back and slowly brought it to my stomach. I struggled against my bindings and pulled against it trying to get away from the thing. “Please, no! I give up! Please!” I begged.

It shook its head, lightly touching the blade to my flesh. “You haven’t given up hope. Give in. GIVE UP!” It commanded me before pressing the blade into my stomach.

I Screamed and found my body convulsing as the monster pushed the blade further into me before pulling it through my stomach to the other side. Tremors shot through my body as the blade was finally pulled from me. I felt nauseous. The sensation was unlike anything that I could remember. I Coughed up blood before beginning to shiver. Despite the place I was in being extremely hot, I felt cold.

Tears ran down my face. It wasn’t enough, I was still alive. Why was I still alive? I wanted it too end. “Kill me.” I finally said to it. I didn’t want to live through the pain any more. I would have slipped into shock if the thing would have let me.

“No! You haven’t given up hope yet.” It said again. I didn’t understand what it meant by this. It didn’t matter to me at the time, all I wanted was to die.

The Demon took the sickle and used it to pull out my intestines. It tugged and pulled them further out, stringing them up to attempt to pull my entire stomach out. My back twitched as I screamed at the top of my lungs, coughing up more blood.

I couldn’t muster up much to say after the demon finally decided to stop for a moment. I muttered as loud as I could “Kill me.”. My desire for death would be ignored by the demon for a while longer while he left me there, able to see my own intestines hung up before me face.

I couldn’t look at myself. I couldn’t look at what I was. I could think of nothing else besides death. It was the only thing I desired at that moment. I begged and pleaded for death. And eventually I got my wish.

The pain started to melt away. I could feel nothing. Everything was fading. My mind, the world. It grew cold. A calm relaxing cold. Like standing on the dark side of the moon. Nothing seemed to matter any more. I was freed from the torture. And all it took was death. I could let the darkness take me.

I Woke up the next day. It was 5am. I was covered in sweet and felt horrible. I stumbled to the bathroom, feeling extremely weak. At the toilet bowl vomited. My left hand reaching to my face, trembling. I wiped some of the sweet from my brow. I stood back up and leaned against the wall, before sinking back to the ground. I couldn’t say a word.

The next night I was shaking all over again. I knew I would have to sleep again. I was terrified that this time I wouldn’t wake up. That the dream would take my life in the real world as well. I was so over whelmed with fear, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep.

I would go on to having many nights like this after this one. Much of the same torture. Drowning, burning, falling, dying in a car crash. Eventually I grew numb to the dreams. I Lost sight of how many times it happened and eventually accepted it as something I couldn’t change. No one took them seriously, some even mocked them.

So what was I to do about it? What could I do? I tried to forget about them. To ignore them. It clearly wasn’t a real problem. Rape, drugs, abuse are all real. Dreams are just dreams right?

They weren’t just dreams. The burning sensation could have been from abuse from my father. Who smoked and may be used a cigarette to burn me on more then one occasion. The The restraints could have represented the fact that he would restrain me as a baby, restricting movement. As a baby, I had surgery on my stomach. I still have a scar across it to this day. Could it be that they didn’t put me all the way under and I still remember what the knife felt like? Very possible.

Remembering those dreams causes my hands to shake. And many times I can’t help but cry. What felt like dirt being kicked in my face was being told that it didn’t mean anything. It is so hard to deal with a serious problem like this when those around you tell you its fake.

About two years ago I had confronted my mother about this. I explained to her exactly what was going on in my dreams. And how real the pain was. After so long of no one believing that what I was saying was real. She Finally understood how much horror I went threw when I slept at night. She Cried for me. Scared for what I might be reliving through my dreams.

It crossed my mind more then once to take my own life. To end the nightmares. I had experienced death before. Doing it one more time in the waking world wouldn’t be any different. But I didn’t. I decided I would live. Some days its harder to want to continue then others. Some days death seems so easy. I push through them though. And I will continue to live.

// Change of look.//

So I changed my tumblr. I thought It might be nice to make it look a bit more pleasing to the eye. Something a bit less chaotic to express the message that I try to get across to people. So a few changes have been made in order to give a better feel for the philosophy behind it.

// Oh, Woe is me.//

Oh Hay! I’m posting again. (About damn time…) I know its been a while since I posted. Well a lot is going on that was rather important. Um. Some one close to me died. Yes really sad and all. I did my crying. And I’m ready to move on with my life. This sorta thing happens. I just have to keep my chin up and look to the future. Which leads us into our topic of the week(Month?).

You ever spend some time around those people who just seem to complain about how hard it is to be them? Have you ever done that yourself and later experienced those people? Always crying a moaning. Basically pissing on any good time or possible planing to make a better future for the both/all of you? Well if you haven’t guested it by now. This blog is all about the pissing and moaning people of the world. At least most the time.

Now I’m not talking about people who just got shit on and basically have had their lives turned upside down. I’m talking about the people who have had plenty of time to prepare for said shitting, watched the shitting happen, then proceeded to complain about the shitting and DON’T EVER STOP! If its one thing people may have noticed by now, its that Pessimistic people really rub me the wrong way. And I can’t be around them for very long. They just can’t help but talk about how HARD, how DIFFICULT, how STRENUOUS it is to be them. Well you know what? FUCK YOU! I know how hard life can be. I know what BS can completely ruin your plans. My father molested me, I was always sick as a kid worried I would DIE in the middle of the night, couldn’t socialize properly, shat on by the school system, wasted 4 years out of highschool figuring out what I was supposed to do with my life, helped my mom through her drinking problem and even suffered mental abuse from that then when its all said and done. I’m TRANSSEXUAL! But you know what. Other then the trans part, that is all in the past and I’m looking forward.

I could write a shit storm about how hard my life as been with no moral of the story. With the only point being to shock people and have them pity me. I would probable get more popular by posting that kinda of BS to. But the sad song of “Oh, Woe is me.” just isn’t my style. I did too much of that when I was younger, and I have to tell you. I’m better off now that I have out grown it. Life is what we make of it. We are in control of our future. Nothing is predetermined unless we let it be that way.

So on to what I’m saying. Beyond the rage filled paragraphs above, I have a real massage to this. Stop, take a deep breath, and analyse your life. Take a walk if you have to. Clear your head. NO NO! No drugs or alcohol. Those only prolong the problem and make new ones. We want a real clear mind. One with out foreign toxins or other people to cloud your thoughts. Think on your own. Question with your own mind. Don’t let rage, depression, jealousy cloud your judgement. Just let go of all your negative emotions and breath. Smile and take in all that the world as to offer… There. You see? Better right. Just let your thoughts go for a moment. Watch the world with eyes not weighed down by negative emotions or drugs. You may be surprised at what you see.

This world is too lovely to let yourself be controlled by the negativity. We all have bad days. We all have times when we are sad. We all feel like its hopeless some times. We often see conflict as a large crack in a gigantic damn when its only a small leak under the kitchen sink. Just take it slow and rethink the situation. It will become easier if you let it.

People who don’t want to be around pessimistic people or self loathing people is because they know these kinda of people are toxic to them and just wrong about the situation. It may be bad, but as long as you are still living its not hopeless. Its not as these pessimists believe it to be. They seem to think “Oh, they just don’t want to hear the truth about the world.” when in fact its not true at all. We don’t want our thoughts poisoned with the their cannibalistic philosophy.

These people feed on the attention they get. They love to see you cry for them and want you to feel as much for them as they do for themselves. They will use this pity to find others who have had poor lives and feed on them in order to bring them down to their level. Its a poor cycle and one that consumes too many people.

Some of these people can be brought out of it and just need a friend to help them up for a while. And its not usually the friend who is in the same situation, but rather the ones who have gone through something similar and rose above it. Sometimes they don’t even need to be someone who has gone through it. Sometimes it can just be an ear to listen to. Then after all is said and done, bring them into something that involves other people and slowly introduce them into a more social environment. Of course you have to go at a slow pace. You can’t make them feel uncomfortable. That isn’t your goal. You want them to experience a good time and get away from their self loathing, not push them back into it.

By all means, I’m not asking anyone to take on the responsibility of trying to help some one out of their shell. Some times, they just need a little push. Other times, its better to just ignore those people who refuse to get past their self loathing. Seeing as they are not going to support a health relationship. But I think We get the point by now. People should be more optimistic and take life by the horns, blah blah blah. More Puppy and rainbow thinking that people really don’t want to hear because its not “EDGY!”

I’m okay with having only 3 people read my blogs. At least some one likes them. And that makes me happy that I can share my thoughts with at least someone else. Perhaps I’ll get up to 4 people. Wouldn’t that be exciting?